I don’t know how to grieve or do I? Is this it? Maybe I’m still in shock or maybe this is part of the process. So I’m writing my thoughts because I don’t know what else to do. The “what if’s” haunt you. But could we have ever changed God’s will? No. But I so badly want to. I want to ask why and I do. I know I couldn’t see beyond that day but He could. Was He being merciful? Of course He was. He always is. Did He really love her? Yes! More than we ever could. Does He really love us to make us walk this road? Absolutely. I know all these truths in my head but I need to feel them in my heart. There is an emptiness that comes and it’s indescribable but I know many of you have felt it too. One of our other kids has a birthday today. Can I do it? Can I put on a happy face and celebrate with him? I have to. I keep moving because I have to but I don’t want to forget and I’m afraid I will. I don’t want to move on I want to sit and grieve but maybe I already have and maybe it hasn’t come yet or maybe it’s this long process of good days and bad. Where is the peace that passes all understanding that guards my heart and mind for my heart is breaking and my mind is out of control? If what I am experiencing is peace from God I can’t even comprehend how anyone without Him could survive a loss. I prayed for God to send us another baby to love and I knew He would. When she came I knew my prayers had been answered and I just knew God had great things planned for her. What plans of His were accomplished in just a short 4 months? I want to know. I need to know. We lost her, said our goodbyes, built her casket, placed her little body in it, had her funeral, and buried her all in a matter of 6 hours. I can’t believe it and I don’t want to. Matt and I suffered the loss of a child through miscarriage and it was hard. I can only imagine going through that was just a difficult but I don’t remember. Will this too pass in time? Will I not remember this pain? It is a hope I have in Christ to take this from me. To take away the pain and leave peace in it’s place. To reveal to me all the ways she accomplished His will for her on earth. To leave me with more joy having known her than pain having lost her. Why did we take her when she was just 6 days old to save her life just for her to loose it? There has to be a reason. God I know You don’t do anything without a purpose under heaven. I know You created her perfect and in Your image and we all needed to see her that way. She broke down stereotypical barriers in this superstitious area and people began to love her as if she wasn’t any different that anyone else. Her moms here loved her as if she was their own flesh and blood and yes, it was beautiful to see how they came together and grieved for her. Is that wrong for grieving to be beautiful? Is it beauty from ashes being lived out? Lord I need to praise You in this storm You sent but I don’t know how. I need to rest in Your unfailing love for us. I need to be reminded daily that You are a good God because satan tells me You are not. I must use that shield of faith You’ve given me to extinguish those flaming arrows daily. Do I not have enough faith? Do I not trust that You God made the right decision? Am I doubting Your ability and questioning Your authority because I don’t want it to be true. Is my not wanting this to be true making my desires not in line with Yours. I pray Your will be done in all situations but I struggle with Your will. Lord You know my heart and I pray You see it as David’s. You allowed him to make mistakes and vent to You in prayer often. Lord give me grace for my words because you know the depths of my heart. I do truly want what You want for these children. My flesh is weak. Please make me strong in these weaknesses. For I am not better than any other human being on this planet Lord and I need You just as much as anyone else. I fall into pits I and sometimes choose to stay there even though You have given me a way out. And Lord You are so patient to let me just sit there….and wait….because You love me. Lord, there are so many people in a pit today I know it. There has been so much hurt lately through natural disasters, death, and even through one of the most lethal weapons; our tongues. Help us all to look up. For if we look up we will see You there waiting to pull us out. God I know we all want out. I don’t want to stay in the pit anymore than Joseph wanted to stay in the pit. Give us all strength to make it through today and hope for tomorrow. And satan, if you’re reading this……GET LOST!